Why learning how to stay connected and attached to our most important person, is critical.
“Adult romantic love is an attachment bond, just like the one between mother and child (Dr. Sue Johnson)
Although couples fight about a lot of things — repeatedly — it really isn’t about the topic or issue at hand, but rather the disconnect they are experiencing. On the outside they will complain about money, sex, intimacy, kids, work, lifestyle choices or that we ‘just don’t communicate.’ But honestly, that’s really not it.
In Love Sense, Dr. Johnson explains that couples’ conflicts assume their true meaning: they are frightened protests against eroding connection and a demand for emotional reengagement.
In all the eroding connections, couples are asking their partner:
1.) Can I count on you?
2.) Can I rely on you?
3.) Do you have my back?
When we enter into a relationship, we want to matter to our partner, to be visible and important. Literally to be seen. We want to know our efforts are noticed and appreciated. And that we are validated, heard and listened to in all those important moments.
We all want to experience warmth and feel connected and attached to our most important person.
And by “turning toward” one another, being empathic and listening to listen and not listening to respond or being defensive, is key is staying connected. The goal being to share with your partner what you need from them and how you feel -without blaming.
In their book, Wired for Love, a strong relationship foundation is built on trust and a sense of safety. It’s critical to build a safe and secure ‘bubble’ — one that can withstand the ups and downs of life and one that couples feel safe and secure talking about anything.
In my years of practice, these are some also core pillars that create a strong foundation in relationships and rise to the top, creating the ‘must have’ list.
Although this list is not exhaustive, it does provide many key ingredients.
Core Pillars of a Strong Foundation
1.)Being understood. We seek to be understood and hopefully to understand your partner. All too often, a partner will attempt to solve the problem or react in a way that resonates with them, not their partner. Or they try and figure out what they are trying to say or how they might need help. But in truth, the solution is much simpler than that. So much simpler. As Alexander James points out, asking just that one simple question will save you from arguing more times than not.
2.) Validation. In our attempt to assuage any negative feelings we are experiencing from our partner, if you are not careful you can unintentionally invalidate them. This is all too common. For example, saying things like, ‘you shouldn’t fee that way’, or ‘that’s not what I meant’ will quickly put the other person on the defensive. They will not feel heard or feel that how they are feeling in the moment is right.
Most people unintentionally invalidate their partner often because they don’t want to see them distressed. However, by just stating, ‘I am sorry you feel that way’ or ‘how can I help you?’ will lead to a deeper connection.
Your partner will feel validated, safe, and secure and will feel like they can count and rely on you to be there for them.
3.) Being heard and seen. Being both heard and seen in a relationship are crucial to connectedness. They both help us build our sense of self. We feel that our partner ‘gets us’ and understands who we are.
They are present with us and see us for who we are and equally important, who we are not. How many times have you or your partner said, ‘that’s not what I am saying’ or ‘you are not hearing me’ — ‘you are not listening.
These are all too common complaints that a person expresses. After awhile, they start to feel frustrated and then the arguments ensue over the wrong things. The real argument is often because a person doesn’t feel heard and seen. They feel invisible or not worthy of your time and energy.
4.) Expressing emotional vulnerability. To be emotionally vulnerable is to be alive. ‘It means that someone deeply struggles emotionally (and this is almost always related to fear) with love, with trusting in others, allowing themselves to be known on a deeper, soul level, and with exchanging complex emotions.’ I love this statement.
It provides clarity about the importance of creating the space that provides the opportunity to be emotionally vulnerable and available in your relationship.
Asking directly for what you need makes you feel vulnerable; what if you ask and the other person doesn’t deliver or what if they reject you?”
Learning how to be emotionally vulnerable also means having and cultivating a strong emotional connection. This is not a sign of weakness, but of strength. We need this emotional connection to thrive and survive. Without it, we feel isolated. According to Dr. Robert Waldinger, a psychiatrist and researcher, “good relationships keep us happier and healthier.”
Brene Brown who has written extensively on vulnerability, shame, and courage, says, “Vulnerability is our most accurate way to measure courage, and we literally do that as researchers.” It’s life’s way of calling us to be more courageous, to show up, use our voice, be present and share our deepest fears, feelings and thoughts to create deeper love, connection and commitment.
You CAN learn how to become more emotionally available and is a path worth taking.
5.) Remaining curious. Remember in the early days of your relationship, where being together was enough and you would spend a lot of time asking questions, because you were interested and curious. Where did those days drift off to? Do you still ask your partner questions? Are you still curious about them or do you think you know everything about them?
Simply returning the days of newness and novelty by asking them questions about how you can strengthen your relationship or about them in particular. They are all conversation starters and ways to engage or reengage with one another and find meaningful ways to deepen your connection.
The idea behind the 36 Questions That Lead to Love is that mutual vulnerability fosters closeness. To quote the study’s authors, “One key pattern associated with the development of a close relationship among peers is sustained, escalating, reciprocal, personal self-disclosure.”
Allowing oneself to be vulnerable with another person can be exceedingly difficult, so this exercise forces the issue.
6.) Being interested. Sure, it’s nice to be interesting but there is significant importance of being interested in your partner and is definitely an important relationship goal. Being interested in your partner deepens the bond. And going beyond the proverbial, ‘How was your day’ is key.
Asking, How are you feeling today? Help me to understand what’s going on for you. Do you want to talk about anything in particular? Being aware of how they might be feeling or understanding how their work or other relationships affect them, provides the opportunity for a deeper conversation and understanding.
7.) Providing support. Providing the support to your partner means that you are listening to what kind of support they need — not supporting in ways that you think are best. A person feels loved and supportive and ‘you have their back’ by meeting them where they are and extend support that resonates with them.
One way to support them is to understand what their love language is. Doing this, fills their tank up and again says — yeah, you get me. I feel supported and loved in the ways that are important to me.
8.) Shared values and lifestyle. Building a strong foundation includes having shared goals and similar lifestyles. Do we have to do everything together? No. But, by and large having similar and shared interests and lifestyles helps couples build a strong bond.
You feel like a unit. A team. Connected. However, even if there are differences, it’s how couples negotiate those differences that’s key.
How we give and receive love is not only a relationship goal but creates the safety, security, and connectedness we all yearn for in our relationship.
